6 Common Dating Behaviors that Annoy Both Men and Women

You probably know which behaviors turn you off the most in another person. What is interesting and important to think about is which behaviors of yours could annoy another person. Everyone gets triggered by different behaviors, and it can take a while to figure out which ones irk that new person. In my clinical work, I hear men and women talking every week about the things so-and-so did on a date that really turned them off or even angered them. Here, I’ll share a list of the most common dating behaviors that bother men and women.

Not letting your date choose what to do or where to go
When you meet someone and have the first few dates, it’s polite and considerate to let that person help you plan the outing. Ask if they have specific activities or restaurants in mind for that particular date as opposed to setting it up without their input. It never hurts to ask directly how your date likes to approach planning. There is nothing wrong with saying this: “Do you prefer the other person to plan the date, or do you prefer to do the planning? Or do you like to make those decisions together?” No matter the specifics, either ask about their approach to planning dates or simply suggest that you plan the date together.
Talking about previous dates or exes
Keep previous romantic experiences off the table for the first few dates, at least. This behavior bothers men and women alike because it makes them wonder why you are preoccupied with thinking about someone else when you’re out with them. Focus on your date and invest your mental energy in trying to get a sense of whether this is a personality type that you easily mesh with. In a word, it’s all about the mesh.
Getting too touchy or sexual too soon
Having spoken to hundreds of couples over the years in my clinical work, I can tell you that the following behavior is one of the biggest turn-ons in dating: a simple kiss on the cheek at the end of the date. If you hit it off and want to be with each other, you can get plenty touchy in time. (Crucial rule to remember: If you are meant to be together, you will end up together.) But forcing an intimate kiss or even trying for a kiss on the lips too soon bothers many men and women because it feels pushy and presumptuous. Many people need a moment to reflect after a date about whether they actually have or could have romantic feelings for that person, so forcing physical intimacy should always be avoided. Again, if you two have what it takes to last, you could be slow dancing in the living room to Endless Love on repeat for years to come. There simply is no rush.
Being late for a date
Avoid this behavior at all costs. If you show up late to a date – and it doesn’t matter how understandable your excuse is – your behavior sends the following message to the person you’re meeting: They aren’t important enough to be on time for. Show your date respect by always allowing extra time to arrive at where you’re going. Conversely, expect a new date to not want to see you again if you do happen to show up late for any reason.
Asking questions that are too personal

The first few dates are a great time to get to know a new person, but having a date with someone doesn’t give you the right to ask questions that are extremely personal. Asking questions about income, past relationships, or deeply emotional topics can be too intrusive and intense when just meeting someone. If you choose to get pushy and ask these questions anyway, your date may be like many others who would feel uncomfortable. While it may sound insignificant, the behavior could bother your date enough that they might not want to see you again.
Trying too hard to impress by name-dropping or boasting
Going out of your way to prove what a great catch you are almost always backfires. It’s important and helpful in dating to have good self-esteem, but it’s another thing to try to prove it. Boasting about accomplishments or how amazing your lifestyle is often turns men and women off because they feel like a salesman is “working” them. What’s more, most men and women have the insight to know that trying so hard to prove how great you have actually indicates that you have low self-esteem.
Two rules you should never forget as you date (and, yes, they are cliches)
In two words, be yourself; in three words, don’t try too hard. Trying too hard takes a lot of energy, and it doesn’t make sense to invest so much energy in someone when you don’t even know if you’ll still like that person a month later. Remember what you like about you, and trust that anyone who gets to know you will inevitably come to see those same characteristics in you.

First Date Danger Zone

Going out with someone new can be exciting—as long as it’s the right someone.

There you are, checking your watch. It’s almost time for another first date to begin. As always, you have high hopes—or at least an open mind—that this one will be different from recent experiences. You mentally check off the ones you promptly inducted into your private First Date Hall of Fame (or is it Hall of Shame?). Here are a few candidates you’ll want to be on the lookout for:
The Ex Factor. This is the person who begins the evening by noticing (out loud) you are wearing the same perfume he gave his ex-girlfriend on their first anniversary. “Weird, huh?” By the end of the evening you will know everything there is to know about her—and almost nothing about him.
The Diva. She was voted most likely to succeed in high school; has trekked the Himalayas in Nepal; sailed solo across the Atlantic; developed a line of gourmet hotel pillow chocolates; and is preparing to audition for “American Idol.” You have no objection to someone who’s led a full and interesting life—but it would be nice to talk about something else during the evening. Anything else besides your date’s long list of amazing accomplishments.
The Digital Dynamo. She thinks “dating” is an app on her iPhone. Before drinks are served at the little bistro you’ve suggested, she’s already texted her mother that she’d love the decor; searched the Internet for food critic reviews; downloaded an article about the chef’s home town in France; tweeted her “friends” that she is sitting down to dinner with—“I’m sorry, what’s your name again? How is that spelled?” The person across from you is so busy pressing buttons that you feel superfluous to the process.
The Potty Mouth. This date is like being back in junior high with a kid who is dying to try out all the new words he’s learned in the locker room. Not to mention the racial slurs and the crude jokes. By night’s end you’ll feel like you’ve been mud-wrestling.
The Survivalist. Getting to know this ray of sunshine reminds you of watching a disaster documentary on PBS. You’ll learn all about the impending ravages of global warming, overpopulation, economic collapse, and killer solar storms—and all the reasons why he hates his job, his apartment, his roommate, and pretty much everything else. Yes, the world is full of problems and perils, but is it necessary to dwell on them during a first date?
The Mannequin. At first glance, he appears to have stepped straight out of GQ magazine. Well-dressed and well-mannered, he seems a refreshing departure from past experience—until you attempt actual conversation. Then it becomes apparent that you have almost nothing in common, in spite of his attractive appearance.

The Fast Tracker. She is intelligent, interesting, and witty—and in a desperate hurry to settle down. Her body language and your intuition combine to warn you that she has already moved past “dating” for its own sake and is ready to pick out “his and hers” bath towels with the first remotely suitable partner.
Of course, these descriptions are one-dimensional stereotypes, but you probably recognize some of your past dates in this list above.  You have had your share of first date disappointments, but there is no need for discouragement—all that experience prepares you for first date you’ve been waiting for. You’ve learned (the hard way) the kind of person you don’t want to spend an evening with, which better equips you to identify the kind of person you DO want to date.
The best part is: You’re more likely to know when you’ve found the right person for a second date . . . and third date . . . and beyond.

Four Rules for Riding the Romance Roller Coaster

Let’s be honest: For many people, the idea of dating produces an inability to breathe, sweaty palms, and a stomach full of butterflies. Not the pleasant kind you experienced with your first kiss; this is more like when you were a kid and you rode that towering, terrifying roller-coaster for the first time.

That’s an appropriate metaphor, since many singles describe the ups and downs, twists and turns of new romance. “Dating is an emotional roller-coaster,” you might hear someone say. “One second it’s thrilling and exhilarating; the next second your stomach is turning and panic sets in. One second you want to scream for the ride to stop; the next second you hope it’ll go on forever.”
Sound familiar? Dating, like thrill rides, requires you to hold on tight, pray hard, and hope for the best. Add in the common fear of romantic intimacy, and of dealing with past relationship “issues”—yours and your date’s—and it’s easy to conclude you’re better off skipping the ride altogether. Playing it safe has this much going for it: you’ll avoid danger and reduce risks. You’ll also be bored, second-guess your decision, and kick yourself for chickening out–which may be why you are reading this now.
But if you hoped this column would contain a magic formula for making your fears disappear—sorry. The truth is, you will probably always get the dating jitters. Why? Because it is indeed nerve-wracking. Unless you are a gifted extrovert or a charismatic charmer, putting yourself on the romantic market is always going to be outside your comfort zone. What you need is a way to avoid letting your fear stand between you and lasting love when it comes around. You need a few “Rules for Riding the Romance Roller Coaster” to help conquer your fears:
1. Get in line. You want the thrill of finding someone new, but you’ve scared yourself silly remembering past experiences, or watching others ride (and scream) from a distance. So you’re still outside the fence looking in. Put one foot in front of the other and take a step toward your goal. Sign up for dance lessons, join the singles group at church, or throw a dinner party and invite some new faces. You’re not riding/dating yet—just positioning yourself to do so.
2. Wait your turn. The dictionary defines fear as “an unpleasant feeling of anxiety or apprehension caused by the presence or anticipation of danger.” The fact is, danger is rarely actually “present.” And fear is often at its worst when nothing much is happening—because you have a lot of time to anticipate all the hypothetically dangerous “what ifs.” Now that you’re in line, be patient—be brave.

3. Fasten your seat belt. Courage is not the same thing as recklessness. When your turn to ride arrives, hold nothing back—but protect yourself with common-sense measures to keep your worst fears from materializing. Being “up for an adventure” doesn’t mean throwing caution to the wind. You’ll enjoy the ride more knowing that, despite the risks, there are safety protocols in place.
4. Do it! Keep your eyes open. Throw up your hands—and ride for all you’re worth. Riding a roller coaster is a hog-wild, topsy-turvy, gravity-defying, spine-tingling thing to do. If it didn’t make your adrenaline soar and your stomach do cartwheels, it wouldn’t be any fun.