6 Common Dating Behaviors that Annoy Both Men and Women

You probably know which behaviors turn you off the most in another person. What is interesting and important to think about is which behaviors of yours could annoy another person. Everyone gets triggered by different behaviors, and it can take a while to figure out which ones irk that new person. In my clinical work, I hear men and women talking every week about the things so-and-so did on a date that really turned them off or even angered them. Here, I’ll share a list of the most common dating behaviors that bother men and women.

Not letting your date choose what to do or where to go
When you meet someone and have the first few dates, it’s polite and considerate to let that person help you plan the outing. Ask if they have specific activities or restaurants in mind for that particular date as opposed to setting it up without their input. It never hurts to ask directly how your date likes to approach planning. There is nothing wrong with saying this: “Do you prefer the other person to plan the date, or do you prefer to do the planning? Or do you like to make those decisions together?” No matter the specifics, either ask about their approach to planning dates or simply suggest that you plan the date together.
Talking about previous dates or exes
Keep previous romantic experiences off the table for the first few dates, at least. This behavior bothers men and women alike because it makes them wonder why you are preoccupied with thinking about someone else when you’re out with them. Focus on your date and invest your mental energy in trying to get a sense of whether this is a personality type that you easily mesh with. In a word, it’s all about the mesh.
Getting too touchy or sexual too soon
Having spoken to hundreds of couples over the years in my clinical work, I can tell you that the following behavior is one of the biggest turn-ons in dating: a simple kiss on the cheek at the end of the date. If you hit it off and want to be with each other, you can get plenty touchy in time. (Crucial rule to remember: If you are meant to be together, you will end up together.) But forcing an intimate kiss or even trying for a kiss on the lips too soon bothers many men and women because it feels pushy and presumptuous. Many people need a moment to reflect after a date about whether they actually have or could have romantic feelings for that person, so forcing physical intimacy should always be avoided. Again, if you two have what it takes to last, you could be slow dancing in the living room to Endless Love on repeat for years to come. There simply is no rush.
Being late for a date
Avoid this behavior at all costs. If you show up late to a date – and it doesn’t matter how understandable your excuse is – your behavior sends the following message to the person you’re meeting: They aren’t important enough to be on time for. Show your date respect by always allowing extra time to arrive at where you’re going. Conversely, expect a new date to not want to see you again if you do happen to show up late for any reason.
Asking questions that are too personal

The first few dates are a great time to get to know a new person, but having a date with someone doesn’t give you the right to ask questions that are extremely personal. Asking questions about income, past relationships, or deeply emotional topics can be too intrusive and intense when just meeting someone. If you choose to get pushy and ask these questions anyway, your date may be like many others who would feel uncomfortable. While it may sound insignificant, the behavior could bother your date enough that they might not want to see you again.
Trying too hard to impress by name-dropping or boasting
Going out of your way to prove what a great catch you are almost always backfires. It’s important and helpful in dating to have good self-esteem, but it’s another thing to try to prove it. Boasting about accomplishments or how amazing your lifestyle is often turns men and women off because they feel like a salesman is “working” them. What’s more, most men and women have the insight to know that trying so hard to prove how great you have actually indicates that you have low self-esteem.
Two rules you should never forget as you date (and, yes, they are cliches)
In two words, be yourself; in three words, don’t try too hard. Trying too hard takes a lot of energy, and it doesn’t make sense to invest so much energy in someone when you don’t even know if you’ll still like that person a month later. Remember what you like about you, and trust that anyone who gets to know you will inevitably come to see those same characteristics in you.

First Date Danger Zone

Going out with someone new can be exciting—as long as it’s the right someone.

There you are, checking your watch. It’s almost time for another first date to begin. As always, you have high hopes—or at least an open mind—that this one will be different from recent experiences. You mentally check off the ones you promptly inducted into your private First Date Hall of Fame (or is it Hall of Shame?). Here are a few candidates you’ll want to be on the lookout for:
The Ex Factor. This is the person who begins the evening by noticing (out loud) you are wearing the same perfume he gave his ex-girlfriend on their first anniversary. “Weird, huh?” By the end of the evening you will know everything there is to know about her—and almost nothing about him.
The Diva. She was voted most likely to succeed in high school; has trekked the Himalayas in Nepal; sailed solo across the Atlantic; developed a line of gourmet hotel pillow chocolates; and is preparing to audition for “American Idol.” You have no objection to someone who’s led a full and interesting life—but it would be nice to talk about something else during the evening. Anything else besides your date’s long list of amazing accomplishments.
The Digital Dynamo. She thinks “dating” is an app on her iPhone. Before drinks are served at the little bistro you’ve suggested, she’s already texted her mother that she’d love the decor; searched the Internet for food critic reviews; downloaded an article about the chef’s home town in France; tweeted her “friends” that she is sitting down to dinner with—“I’m sorry, what’s your name again? How is that spelled?” The person across from you is so busy pressing buttons that you feel superfluous to the process.
The Potty Mouth. This date is like being back in junior high with a kid who is dying to try out all the new words he’s learned in the locker room. Not to mention the racial slurs and the crude jokes. By night’s end you’ll feel like you’ve been mud-wrestling.
The Survivalist. Getting to know this ray of sunshine reminds you of watching a disaster documentary on PBS. You’ll learn all about the impending ravages of global warming, overpopulation, economic collapse, and killer solar storms—and all the reasons why he hates his job, his apartment, his roommate, and pretty much everything else. Yes, the world is full of problems and perils, but is it necessary to dwell on them during a first date?
The Mannequin. At first glance, he appears to have stepped straight out of GQ magazine. Well-dressed and well-mannered, he seems a refreshing departure from past experience—until you attempt actual conversation. Then it becomes apparent that you have almost nothing in common, in spite of his attractive appearance.

The Fast Tracker. She is intelligent, interesting, and witty—and in a desperate hurry to settle down. Her body language and your intuition combine to warn you that she has already moved past “dating” for its own sake and is ready to pick out “his and hers” bath towels with the first remotely suitable partner.
Of course, these descriptions are one-dimensional stereotypes, but you probably recognize some of your past dates in this list above.  You have had your share of first date disappointments, but there is no need for discouragement—all that experience prepares you for first date you’ve been waiting for. You’ve learned (the hard way) the kind of person you don’t want to spend an evening with, which better equips you to identify the kind of person you DO want to date.
The best part is: You’re more likely to know when you’ve found the right person for a second date . . . and third date . . . and beyond.

Four Rules for Riding the Romance Roller Coaster

Let’s be honest: For many people, the idea of dating produces an inability to breathe, sweaty palms, and a stomach full of butterflies. Not the pleasant kind you experienced with your first kiss; this is more like when you were a kid and you rode that towering, terrifying roller-coaster for the first time.

That’s an appropriate metaphor, since many singles describe the ups and downs, twists and turns of new romance. “Dating is an emotional roller-coaster,” you might hear someone say. “One second it’s thrilling and exhilarating; the next second your stomach is turning and panic sets in. One second you want to scream for the ride to stop; the next second you hope it’ll go on forever.”
Sound familiar? Dating, like thrill rides, requires you to hold on tight, pray hard, and hope for the best. Add in the common fear of romantic intimacy, and of dealing with past relationship “issues”—yours and your date’s—and it’s easy to conclude you’re better off skipping the ride altogether. Playing it safe has this much going for it: you’ll avoid danger and reduce risks. You’ll also be bored, second-guess your decision, and kick yourself for chickening out–which may be why you are reading this now.
But if you hoped this column would contain a magic formula for making your fears disappear—sorry. The truth is, you will probably always get the dating jitters. Why? Because it is indeed nerve-wracking. Unless you are a gifted extrovert or a charismatic charmer, putting yourself on the romantic market is always going to be outside your comfort zone. What you need is a way to avoid letting your fear stand between you and lasting love when it comes around. You need a few “Rules for Riding the Romance Roller Coaster” to help conquer your fears:
1. Get in line. You want the thrill of finding someone new, but you’ve scared yourself silly remembering past experiences, or watching others ride (and scream) from a distance. So you’re still outside the fence looking in. Put one foot in front of the other and take a step toward your goal. Sign up for dance lessons, join the singles group at church, or throw a dinner party and invite some new faces. You’re not riding/dating yet—just positioning yourself to do so.
2. Wait your turn. The dictionary defines fear as “an unpleasant feeling of anxiety or apprehension caused by the presence or anticipation of danger.” The fact is, danger is rarely actually “present.” And fear is often at its worst when nothing much is happening—because you have a lot of time to anticipate all the hypothetically dangerous “what ifs.” Now that you’re in line, be patient—be brave.

3. Fasten your seat belt. Courage is not the same thing as recklessness. When your turn to ride arrives, hold nothing back—but protect yourself with common-sense measures to keep your worst fears from materializing. Being “up for an adventure” doesn’t mean throwing caution to the wind. You’ll enjoy the ride more knowing that, despite the risks, there are safety protocols in place.
4. Do it! Keep your eyes open. Throw up your hands—and ride for all you’re worth. Riding a roller coaster is a hog-wild, topsy-turvy, gravity-defying, spine-tingling thing to do. If it didn’t make your adrenaline soar and your stomach do cartwheels, it wouldn’t be any fun.

'Should You Date Nate' Is a Prime Example of What Not to Do to Get Laid

Take it down a notch or ten, Nate

There's no sugar-coating it: Dating is tough. You can put yourself out there openly, honestly, and confidently in hopes of meeting your soulmate, but there's no guarantee that the universe will reciprocate your efforts. Still, there is a limit to just how direct you should be when you're first trying to meet that perfect partner, and our friend Nate here seems to have found that threshold.
Nate is an accomplished man, you see, but not a terribly nuanced one. Rather than, say, leaving some of himself to the imagination, Nate decided to create a personal website—the aptly-named shouldyoudatenate.com—to help him in his quest to find the love of his life. The website is a feature-length résumé on his professional accomplishments, personal goals, preferences in a partner, you name it. For examples, he's a libertarian and a hard-working entrepreneur; he loves meditating; he considers himself an outsider; and he's 6'4", as he so proudly boasts at the top of the page.
Most important, though, he's offering a free, three-day vacation to the interested woman who sends him a message and strikes his fancy. Ladies, if this manifesto didn't leave you completely weirded out by its conclusion, then you may simply win the prize by default. Needless to say, Nate's attempt at attracting "the One" comes off as, well, a little much. This is certainly one way to earn the attention of the opposite sex, but it doesn't strike us as the most effective method.
But, hey, as Nate himself says, "If you go through your whole life being comfortable, you're doing it wrong." Which is true enough, but we'll also point out that being uncomfortable doesn't necessarily mean you're doing it right.

8 Women Reveal the Absolute Worst Ways Men Have Tried to Hit On Them

These are the deal-breakers you need to avoid

When you see someone new that you’re into, you have to approach them somehow. And, of course, it can be kind of nerve-wracking.
Most people aren’t receptive to pickup lines (unless, of course, they’re clearly a joke) and there’s no guarantee that what’s worked for you in the past will fly in the future. No one’s saying it’s easy, but sometimes a simple “hi” or “Can I buy you a drink?” can get you pretty far.
If you’re really interested in someone, it makes sense that you wouldn’t want to screw things up—and one Reddit user is helping you out with the question, “Women of Reddit, what was the worst thing a man has ever told you in an attempt to hit on/flirt with you?” The answers are amazing in the sense that they are jaw-dropping.
Sure, it's super unlikely you would ever say something this lame, but just in case, here are a few things you should definitely keep out of your pickup game.
DEAL BREAKER #1: BEING SUPER AGGRESSIVE
“Asked a bartender I work with that question a few years back. She had a kid and was single, and a guy asked her if he could ‘eat her out while rubbing Shea butter over her stretch marks.’ So probably that.” —elephant_on_parade
DEAL BREAKER #2: GIVING A BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT
“A guy told me he was done going out with attractive women and now just wanted to date someone nice instead. Thanks buddy.” —thegirlwholikescats
DEAL BREAKER #3: STRAIGHT-UP LYING
“I had a guy tell me he worked for the county CIA. Pretty sure that's not a thing.” —Ames0805
DEAL BREAKER #4: GETTING WAY AHEAD OF YOURSELF
"’I've never f—ed a redhead before.’ -guy who did not f—k me.” —CarWashRedhead
DEAL BREAKER #5: REFERENCING DATE RAPE
“I was at a bar with one of my friends and the guy sitting next to me taps me on the shoulder and says that the bartender accidentally gave him an extra drink and he wanted to know if I wanted it. I told him no thanks, I have a drink. He told me he didn't want to waste his money since he was charged for it so I told him to give it to one of his friends next to him. He then laughed and said ‘Why won't you take it? Its not like I'm gonna rape you or anything, I promise its not roofied.’ We left quickly.” —bottle_rockets
DEAL BREAKER #6: PHYSICALLY INCAPACITATING HER
“He stole the crutches I needed due to a dislocated kneecap and told me ‘well you can't run away from me now.’" —firestick_and_dick
DEAL BREAKER #7: FLAT-OUT INSULTING HER
"If it weren't for your belly you'd be smokin' hot!" —BeckyDaTechie
DEAL BREAKER #8: BEING A TOTAL CREEP
“Upon finding out that I can't drink because of a medical issue, a guy told me: ‘It must be hard for a guy to flirt with you considering he can't get you drunk and stupid.’ Thanks?” —SalemScout

Are You Datable or Are You a Fling?

Our sex and relationships writer breaks it down

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to make relationships out of booty calls. Because all great relationships are built on a foundation of phenomenal sex and the occasional inside joke, right? (RIGHT?!) I mean, if you’re making me orgasm multiple times a week, why wouldn’t I want to keep you around long term and try to build a solid, lasting relationship with openness, honesty, and commitment. I can totally tell you’d be good at that while your head is between my legs...
Or so I though. Turns out, as I’m coming upon the crest of 30, just because he’s hot and his junk gets hard, doesn’t actually make him “boyfriend material.” Go figure. This may be the biggest lesson I’ve learned in my 20s. So what then does make a man a potential Mr. Right, versus a potential Mr. Right Now? And which of these two men do you want to be?
HOW TO KNOW IF YOU’RE DATEABLE
To find out, let’s go through the checklist. There are a few key items that women look for when going to enter into a serious relationship. Run down this list and see where you fall. (Note: Phenomenal sex IS a great indicator of a solid relationship, but these other things should probably be in place, too.)
DO YOU HAVE A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE?
Don’t freak out! I’m not talking about crushing it at the gym six days a week and subsisting solely on boiled chicken breast and protein shakes. Healthy lifestyle means, at the most basic level, do you get up and go to work every day without the lingering scent of booze? Do you pay your bills on time? Do you go to the doctor and at the bare minimum take the measures to ensure you won’t drop dead at 45? Basically, are you a functioning and contributing member of society? If so, congratulations. Consider your lifestyle healthy.
DOES YOUR DAY HAVE STRUCTURE?
A man who is dateable has some sort of routine to his day, even if that is as simple as he tries to make it to the gym at some point. Structure doesn’t have to mean boring and predictable. He doesn’t have to roll into work at 9:03 and roll out at 5:32 five days a week, nor does he have to have his usual table at Applebee’s. But a modicum of reliability says a lot to a woman who is looking to have a relationship. Can you keep appointments? Can you show up on time? Do you have things that are important to you throughout the day that keep you motivated and focused? Passion, interests, and looking at ways to further them says a lot about the dateability of a man.
DO YOU HAVE RELATIONSHIPS WITH FRIENDS AND FAMILY?
Everyone has family baggage and drama. It’s what makes us interesting, and it’s what makes us human. Having issues with your family is entirely normal, and, in fact, expected. But on the whole do you have a relationship with your family? Do you speak to them and visit them somewhat regularly? Not everyone does have a great relationship with their family, for a variety of reasons, so that’s where friendships come into play. A man who is dateable has a strong circle of friends, or at least one or two on whom he can truly rely. Being a loner doesn’t disqualify you from the dateable pool, but it’s important to have at least one or two other people in your world who would care if you went missing for a couple of days.
ARE YOU COMPASSIONATE?
I wish this went without saying but someone who is dateable shows sympathy and empathy for others. The ability to put yourself in another’s shoes can go very, very far in a relationship, especially when the going gets rough (which, spoiler alert: it often does). Can you fight with your girlfriend in a healthy manner, meaning, after spewing your points and getting angry, can you go back and look at it from her perspective? Can you own where you went wrong, and can you apologize?
ARE YOU AWARE OF YOUR ISSUES?
No one (I repeat, no one) comes without issues. If you want a partner without issues, I strongly consider investing in an inflatable one. Whether we have phobia of commitment, jealousy problems, trust issues, etc. etc., no adult comes without an instruction manual. A man who is dateable, however, has a firm grasp on said manual and is ready to help with any troubleshooting or customer support. If you are a jealous guy, own it. If you have a fear of commitment, use your words and convey that to your prospective partner. It’s okay to be your flawed and wonderful self, but be aware of your drama so that you can explain to your partner how to decode you. Opening up about your issues and communicating them demonstrate that you have an enlightened sense of self and are interested in being close to another human being.
ARE YOU AMENABLE TO FIXING SAID ISSUES?
Some issues we can deal with, and others get in the way of lasting, healthy relationships. Kudos to you if you know what your issues are, but are you amenable to change and compromise? Your issues might not gel with her issues, and vice versa. But if you can strike a balance and find a way to make them jive together, you’ll be a lot happier in the long run.
ARE YOU WILLING TO ALLOW HER INTO YOUR LIFE?
At a certain age, we all have our lives the way we like them (for the most part). We have our routines, we have our comforts, and we have what we like. A man who is dateable, however, is flexible enough to adjust his precious routine to accommodate a new human within it, and is able to find a way to fit snugly into her life, as well.
HOW TO KNOW IF YOU’RE JUST A FLING?
Does your penis work? Do you not meet any other requirement on this list? Congratulations. You are just a fling.

9 Women Reveal the Worst Things Guys Have Done On First Dates

It’s safe to assume they didn’t get a second

There are plenty of ways to ace the first date: You feel the chemistry immediately. You both love the food at dinner. She compliments your jacket. You make her laugh. Better yet, she makes you laugh. You end the night with a kiss if you’re lucky—and a second date if you’re really lucky.
But one third of Americans don’t enjoy going on first dates, according a recent EliteSingles survey. Of the two thirds of people who do enjoy it, more than 80 percent don’t know what to talk about and about 1 in 5 feel super nervous beforehand. That’s because there are so many ways a first date can just go horribly, horribly wrong: You show up late. The conversation gets awkward. Your card gets declined. You go in for the kiss and she shakes your hand instead.
Or, you could suffer through one of the following scenarios.
WORST FIRST DATE IDEA #1: PLAY VIDEO GAMES
“He took me back to his apartment after dinner... to watch him play FIFA. He genuinely thought he was a godsend at FIFA. I texted my friend to have her call me with an ‘S.O.S. You have to come quick!’ scenario. I feel like this is a general consensus amongst most women: Your ‘talent’ at video games does not make us want to become intimate with you. It probably just reminds us of our brothers.” —Brielle, 22
WORST FIRST DATE IDEA #2: OUTWARDLY DISRESPECT WOMEN
“A Rihanna song comes on and my date said: ‘Getting beaten up by Chris Brown was the best thing to ever happen to her career.’ Mind you, I oversee a domestic violence shelter.” —Heather, 27
WORST FIRST DATE IDEA #3: PRESSURE HER TO DRINK
“I got coffee with a dude who kept insisting we go back to one of our houses and get me inebriated somehow. Not him, just me—either weed or alcohol, and he wasn’t even subtle about it. He kept asking every 10 minutes if I wanted to go back to my/his place and ‘try some vodka gummy bears or smoke a bowl,’ but he made it very clear that he didn’t plan on getting intoxicated.” —Jenna, 23
WORST FIRST DATE IDEA #4: INVITE YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND
“First off, he didn’t tell me it was a date. I legitimately thought we were just hanging out and playing Scrabble because he asked me to via Twitter. Then he invited his ex-girlfriend to hang out with us, which I later found out was his way of showing her he had moved on. I felt used.” —Dylan, 23
WORST FIRST DATE IDEA #5: INVITE YOUR FRIENDS
“We were supposed to go to a movie on a Friday night. He said his friends kind of wanted to go and asked if any of mine would want to join. It was already Friday night so my friends had plans. He asked if I still wanted to go, so I said sure. I figured he meant just the two of us and he would leave his two other guy friends at home. I figured wrong, and me and him sat in between the two of them for the duration of the movie. It was the worst. Never went out again.” —Maddie, 23
WORST FIRST DATE IDEA #6: LEAD WITH A SUPERFICIAL QUESTION
“One time I went on a blind date and the first thing the guy said to me was ‘Is that your real hair color?’ I had been dyeing my hair a dark red for a few months and he actually mentioned something about it… like how do you respond to that?” —Alexis, 22
Try asking her these questions instead.
WORST FIRST DATE IDEA #7: FORGET YOUR MANNERS
“The worst thing a guy has done on a first date is blow his nose at the dinner table. 1) How rude! 2) Now my burrito is ruined because of your snot.” —Lauren, 23
WORST FIRST DATE IDEA #8: PICK THE MOVIE WITHOUT ASKING HER
“After dinner, he took me back to his apartment and queued up ‘Machine Gun Preacher’ on Netflix—kind of a jarring movie for a first date.” —Jessica, 24
WORST FIRST DATE IDEA #9: KILL THE CONVERSATION
“I once met up with a guy from OkCupid for coffee, and rather than engage in the usual getting-to-know-you chit-chat, he avoided eye contact and kept commenting on people at other tables with snarky remarks about their appearance or topics of conversation. Hearing how judgmental he was within 10 minutes of meeting him was a major turn-off, and I was happy to get out of there when my mug was empty. I’ve been on lots of Internet dates and usually enjoy the conversation, even if I’m not attracted to the guy, but this was the first time I counted down the minutes until it was over.” —Leah, 27